How to talk about death with your kids
By the time your kids are five, you’ve probably mastered all the chats about dragons, wizards, Bluey, and their favourite ice cream flavours. These are, naturally, some of the most important topics in the world to them.
If only all conversations were as easy as putting on your best wizard voice. Chatting to your kids about death is obviously not your usual bedtime story, and it’s definitely a step up from already-tough chats on things like money and finances. Death is a much pricklier topic, but one that you may have to face sooner or later.
For parents whose ‘sooner’ has arrived or is impending, here are a few ways you can approach those difficult conversations such as talking to kids about death.
Tips for managing difficult conversations
For all their bright chatter and laughter, kids can be incredibly sensitive and perceptive. If there has been a death in the family or a close friend – your kids could pick up on the mood shift immediately, which can make it a good idea to speak to them as soon as possible.
Of course, a five-year-old and a 12-year-old will have very different understandings of what death is. If appropriate, you may need to explain in simple terms what death is, then be ready to answer any tricky questions that could arise.
Also, try to avoid using euphemisms like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone on’. These can be confusing for a young person getting to grips with death and grief.
Finally, note that you don’t have to give too many details right away. Your little one may need some time to process the news by themself, so could get overwhelmed with all the details. You’ll be the best judge of how much information is just the right amount for your child as you know them best.
How to bring up difficult conversations
It’s entirely possible that you yourself are struggling to get the words out as you deal with your own grief. If that’s the case, ask another adult who the child is close with to help explain, and make sure you’re right there next to them to support your child.
Also, try not to have this conversation in the child’s bedroom. Their bedroom should be a place of peace and relaxation, and somewhere they can go for comfort. Aim to have the talk in another room in the house, making sure you won’t be interrupted while you’re there.
Next, start the conversation by sitting them down and telling them you need to talk about something serious, or that you have something sad to tell them. This can help to set the tone of the talk and prepare them somewhat for the news.
And if it’s all a bit much and you start to cry, don’t feel like you need to hide it from your kids. It lets them know that sadness is normal, and tears are a normal response to that sadness.
How to talk about death and loss with a child
First things first, there is no one size fits all approach when it comes to explaining death to a child. There might be a few different approaches depending on the situation and the child's age.
One way to help a child navigate death and loss is to explain to them what it means for their lives. From our Kiwi Parenting Report, we know that 71% of parents recruit extended family members for childcare, so it’s possible that a beloved caregiver/family member is the one who has passed. In this case, you may need to explain that they won’t see nana anymore. Or it might mean that their aunt won’t be spending every other Saturday with them from now on. Be as clear as you can about any changes in routine so they can start to get used to the changes that lie ahead.
You can also explain what events will happen, such as a funeral, tangi, or family gatherings. Talking about these events ahead of time will give you a chance to let them know what to expect, talk about why such events are important, and let your little ones ask any immediate questions.
It may also help to offer some reassurance. For example, if someone passed away in a hospital, you might say that when people go to hospital, the doctors and nurses usually fix their illnesses and injuries. However, this time, it didn’t work (or the loved one was very old, etc). The goal here is to try to teach your young one that not all hospital visits will end this way, so they don’t end up getting anxious should you or someone else need to go there.
Navigating grief and coping strategies with kids
After you’ve shared the news, you’ll be in new territory as you manage grief and coping strategies. It’s hard to know what to expect, but you can be prepared by knowing a few signs to look out for.
Stages of grief for kids
You might be familiar with stages of grief in adults, but when it comes to grief amongst children, it might not appear the same way.
In fact, it will largely depend on their age, personality, gender, relationship with the person who has died, and other factors.
Instead of looking for ‘stages’, keep an eye out for these common symptoms:
- Increased clinginess
- More irritability or stubbornness
- Changes in eating or sleeping habits
- Regression (such as bedwetting)
- Being distracted or forgetful
- Physical complaints such as headaches or tummy issues
- Not wanting to go to school
- Withdrawal
- Fearing for others’ safety
There’s an endless variety of ways your child may react to grief, so be on the lookout for symptoms that are more than the expected sadness. And of course, don’t be afraid to reach out for expert help.
Grief activities for kids
Supporting children through grief is not unlike supporting them through other difficulties. And as we know from our Kiwi Parenting Report, ‘nurturing a child’s mental and emotional health’ is already the second biggest concern for parents (behind finances, surprise surprise), so we know that mental wellbeing is already top of mind.
One activity that might be able to help is creating a memory box. This can include photos, mementos, written stories, or even just things that remind the child of the person they have lost. This can give them a physical outlet and a way to remember the deceased.
Some children may also benefit from reading books about grief and death. It may be able to help them put it all into context and get a better understanding of why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling.
You might even ask your child to create something for the funeral so they can feel involved. This could be a picture to add to the service sheet, or a letter to add to the casket. Or they could be involved in other ways, such as helping choose the flower arrangements. This kind of involvement can be particularly beneficial for older children and teenagers.
Of course, don’t forget to care for yourself as well. Giving yourself space and patience can be a great model for children learning how to deal with their own grief.
Funeral insurance is one way to offer financial support to loved ones should you pass away. You can learn more about OneChoice Funeral Insurance and the levels of cover that are available, and consider requesting a quote.
16 Sep 2024